Words Matter

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

- Goethe

#burntheboats

Writers tend to make note of ideas, quotes, etc. All the words. I find my own stuck in the strangest of places - written on scraps of paper squirreled away in an old book or planner. I have spent the past few years, taking a few minutes every day to cull through all of my electronic places and old notebooks to organize (best I can) all the things I have made note of or written the past fifteen plus years. It has been a Herculean task that I am going to finish (one way or another at the end of this calendar year). A deadline I made for myself a few months back when I realized I was beginning to duplicate myself. Facepalm.

Sometimes we simply have to call it.

So, it is no surprise to me when I see that I have made note of a quote or something multiple times over the years, and at some point one stops what they are doing and sits back, looks at it more carefully, and asks themself why was this important to me around the same time in 2012, 2019, 2020 (hypothetically). And then, why wasn’t it important in 2016 or 2018 (again, hypothetically) when I was in a similar mindset? Where is the red string in this?

Hmmm…

The quote above I first find note of in my writings on this day thirteen years ago.

What. A. Year.

Words matter. The ones we hear. The ones we write. The ones we read. The ones we stash away in the vaults we keep deep inside ourselves.

I’m sentimental. A deep thinker. Equal parts practical and emotional gravitating between what I know and what I feel like a finals match at Wimbledon. I tend to feel first and shift into a chess match- mindset second. If I am lucky, or the other person(s) are, I shift gears seamlessly. If I am not, it looks (and feels) like a thirteen year old learning to drive on a stick-shift. Generally, my face betrays me before my words for I have zero poker face, and more than a few people (including bosses going back to my 20s) have asked me to work on getting one, but that isn’t something I have found easy to change about myself. At 54, I am becoming less inclined to even feign effort at it. I am who I am. Maybe it is okay to be okay with that.

This morning as I read through this quote…again, and took note of the string of years where it had obviously spoken to me deeply, I wondered again…what is it about these words that strike me so deeply?

I think it is because there have been so many times in my life where I have had to burn the boats (a hashtag I added to the quote just a brief few years ago).

…Where I have had to commit to something damn near blind to the outcome.

…When I have had to put myself out there with someone to try one more time not knowing if I was going to stick the landing “this time” or fall on my face once again.

…When I have had to walk away from things or people that I loved because it, or they, were no longer safe for my heart.

Also, because, when I look back on all of those instances - situations and people - they are pierced with a deep gnawing fear in me that if anyone knew they would not understand - they would judge me…as I (have) judge(d) me.

Yet, God is ridiculously kind to us and in the most unexpected ways and seasons.

Seeing these words again this morning came after a conversation I had yesterday where I was asked questions about some people and places and times that I simply never speak of…to anyone. I mean the last time I have talked about it as much as I did yesterday, I was spending an hour a week on my therapist’s couch. If that tells you anything. It isn’t because I don’t want to either (just FYI), it just isn’t something I am generally asked about.

We are a product of the people that birthed us. Of the circumstances that molded us. Of our choices and decisions - good and bad. Of the things we say and do to the things we allow to be said and done to us. We are a reflection of our boundaries. We are a reflection of those that love us, while when in pain, we can reflect those who hurt (or have hurt) us.

Each day though, we begin again. A clean slate with a fresh chance to make new choices.

If there is one thing I am proud of myself about, it is that I have learned (thanks therapy!) to burn the boats behind me (when necessary) while using the light from the flames to not only help me see the path forward, but in time forgive those who have hurt me, not loved me well, and/or not treated me well. And, let’s not forget, forgive myself where I have failed them, or myself, or both. I’m not perfect. Far, far from it.

Yesterday, I was reminded that it isn’t what is done to us that has the final say over our lives. When we are lucky, it can become how we responded to it all.

That is our legacy.

Mine, at least in part, is that I chose my own health and happiness, and in time, I chose forgiveness. It has left me with the ability to remember without being cut open on the broken pieces that make up the hardest parts of my story. Pollyanna I might be, but I am very, very glad for that.

So, here is to the beauty of words. May they help us and heal us and grow us and change us and move us to live and love to the fullest capacity we were designed by a loving God to live.

Amen and amen.

❤️

Author’s Note: Typed with two thumbs on my phone so please forgive any grammatical errors, and I promise to record a Voiceover for this post at a later date.