We have a lot of technology from our phones’ photo albums to software to apps that love to share “memories” or where you were on a specific date whether it be one year ago or a dozen years ago.
This technology has been great for me this past two to three years as I have worked nearly daily to collect and cull through all of my writings for the past fifteen (give or take) years. If I am honest, my writing has been historically as chaotic as it has been organized. I have everything from old blogs to social media posts to over 5,000 Notes on my phone to journals/legal pads/Moleskine’s and scraps of paper. Please, for the love, do not ask to see a photo of my giant monitor in the writing shed. The number of post-it notes of “ideas” is beyond obscene.
Today, I am the most organized I have ever been as far as being able to access fairly easy all the words I have written on a topic. When you are in the edit phase on a book while working on a second brand new one, this is especially helpful. My nightmare is publishing a book and then coming across the perfect essay for it. Kill me.
Every once and awhile, I come across something I have missed in all of my hours of collecting.
That is what happened just this morning.
It is hard to believe, but five years ago today, I wrote a long-form essay about counseling. The year was 2019, and it was my fourth consecutive year of counseling though by then I was on more of a “maintenance schedule” which for me that year looked like once a month. Another important point is that in 2019, I was feeling very emotionally and physically healthy. It was a respite of a year in a way. I had made some decisions to be uber brave in 2018 which led me to feel a lot more secure in 2019. A lot of that started being tested in the Fall of 2019, and of course, January 2020 had some hard knocks, and then who can forget the rest of that year? I point all of that out to make the point that healing has ebbs and flows, starts and stops. You take two steps forward followed by ten back only to do twenty forward a little later. And so, it goes until one day you realize the steps forward are happening more frequently than the backward ones.
In that vein, I am sharing the essay I wrote five years ago today between the // below.
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The past twenty-four hours have been a doozy. I would like to thank the universe for scheduling it’s crazy to start twenty-four hours before my monthly therapy appointment. Today, I skidded in broadside to my therapist’s office exclaiming, “Hold on! I am coming in HOT.”
An acquaintance of mine passed away after multiple battles and a long final fight against cancer. I had just read our last text message exchange yesterday during a random electronic purge on my phone. I found out minutes before pulling up at my therapy appointment today.
Last night I received a voicemail from someone who hurt me badly several years ago as in ‘a little tribe crushed my heart and dropped me like I was hot.’ Their voicemail was a casual “How do you do?” and I had no response (slack-jawed) until the safety of my therapist’s office had me unburdening my heart. There were a lot of four-letter words because I love Jesus, but I have a mouth on me ESPECIALLY when someone hurts me.
There is some other stuff, but after confessing how much my heart hurt and acknowledging the trail of grief dragging behind each memory tied to this person, I stared at the wall for a long, long, long time and poured out to my therapist the following…
“The thing is...with all of this crap and grief and loss...I am sitting here believing in my heart that I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have work I love. Friends I would take a bullet for. Family I adore. Even still. A heart overflowing with gratitude doesn’t take away the sting of death or someone’s callousness. It doesn’t wipe out the loneliness when it comes. I am holding both the grief and the gratitude, and it is really hard to do well. I am trying.”
So, that is all I have for you today.
I am trying.
Honestly giving life my very best. Some days life punches back so hard I land on the floor, but it doesn’t knock me out. Not completely. I am still fighting to be as transparent and vulnerable as I can while honoring and owning my story.
Even the ugly parts.
Even the hard.
Even this.
A mentor called me this morning. He is working on a special project and wants me to be a part of it. It is tied to EQ, and he said to me that the journey I have been on and the willingness to share my story made my voice critical. I fell on the floor.
Here is what I know.
God will use every bit of you and your story if you will let Him.
Every. Single. Bit.
Do not discount yourself or your story.
Do not let anyone else discount you or your story either.
Amen and Amen.
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Author’s Note: After sharing these old words above, I riffed a little on the Voiceover. I would love for you to take a listen and give me your feedback.