Relationships are tricky.
For this writing, let us agree that when I use the word relationship(s), my meaning is universal. If otherwise, I will specify.
I have to be honest. Before 2013, I would have rated myself 1.5 out of 5 stars for relationships. Over the past decade, I have gotten better. I attribute that to a group of friends I made in Colorado in October 2012 at a Captivating Retreat held by Wild at Heart Ministries and four years of intensive therapy between 2016 and 2019. Not to be discounted are a handful of friends who have ebbed and flowed in my life over the years and mentors who have consistently poured into me between 15 - 30 years. The past eleven years have been some of my strongest relationship years. This is not to say that all of my relationships have been strong. Some of the most painful parts of the past decade are tied to some of my relationships. I also have one that alludes to me like a ghost despite my repeated Hail Mary attempts to save it. I am not the quarterback I aspire to be. Just sayin’.
I had the most Norman Rockwell childhood right up until the point where my parents lost their minds, their marriage, and their relationships with their kids. So, growing up my brain remained in a perpetual state of conflict with itself regarding any relationship I had because it knew what good looked like, but it also knew what bad looked like. As a perpetual optimist, I tended to swing for the fence believing that anything bad could be good again (all evidence in my actual life to the contrary) with a near-constant underlying fear that anything good could turn bad (as the evidence had clearly shown).
We do not talk enough as adults about how the relationships that we observed and had as children impact our very adult relationships. That impact can be both positive and negative, and I have experienced my fair share of both. Before therapy, I was absolutely clueless about how mine were being impacted. As I have written before, my therapist was very direct that the eight-year-old in me was running the show. Super fun to be told that in your 40s (please imagine me adding the emphasis to that sentence and rolling my eyes).
I have spent a lot of time, money, and energy healing with the receipts to prove it. Just like anyone, I can have setbacks from time to time where I get triggered and have to process through it. That said, as I sit here today within spitting distance of fifty-three, I feel as emotionally healthy as I have ever been. There have been the obvious costs mentioned previously, but there has been an even deeper cost. People. And it has never bothered me more. When you spend a lifetime holding the majority of people at arm’s length, it bothers you to lose them, but when you do, you blame yourself (as you should). I have found it is different when you have to exit people out of your life intentionally because they are not healthy for you as the blame is at a minimum more evenly dispersed, but in some cases, it is the other person’s fault. For a recovering people pleaser and skilled “fixer,” that is simply brutal for my heart.
The past year I have had to exit or highly limit some individuals’ access to me, and I have enjoyed exactly none of it.
There are some things I have learned in the process that might be helpful to someone else, so here goes:
Communicate. This might be the worst part because it requires you to be vulnerable with someone with no guarantee how they will respond meaning they can take it well or hurt you deeper. I have experienced both. Everyone deserves to be communicated with sincerely. It is not always a bad thing that is triggering it as people do naturally grow apart sometimes. Whatever the root of it, you need to give them a why. Otherwise, it will keep them wondering forever, and that is cruel.
Privacy. Handle the situation privately in a private place in person (unless you fear physical harm). In a world that hides behind screens of all sizes from email to direct messages to text messages, do not be that person.
Boundaries. Set fresh boundaries. Maybe you need to simply limit your access to someone. Be sure you share what ‘access’ in the future needs to look like. If you are cutting contact off completely, make sure they understand what that means so that when you hold that boundary in the future, should they break it, there is no confusion on why.
These are not revolutionary tips, but the truth is humans in 2024 stink at this, self-included. We live in a big world that often feels very small. Unless you absolutely have to always opt to save the bridge. In most cases, a gate on your side of it is better than burning it down.
It feels ludicrous to be writing this today as I have just completed my third (failed) Hail Mary on a relationship this week. Three in one week. Gotta be a record. The relationship is VERY important to me. Unfortunately, after three decades it might be time to call it. Time of death 5:00 p.m., 4.27.2024. I feel like I am pushing the boulder up the hill while simultaneously banging my head up against a wall. A feat that literally cannot be done. Have I mentioned that I can be stubborn?
Only you know when you have done all you can for a relationship. While it takes two to be in a relationship or make one work, oftentimes it falls to just one person to end one. For me, the end comes when I simply have no more hope, and I am the first to admit my hope wick is extremely long. It probably has something to do with my aforementioned childhood, undying optimism, or the fact that we love people, and we want them in our lives.
I am not exactly sure why I sat down and started typing this afternoon except that after a third disappointment this morning, a long solo drive while smoking a really good cigar, and a playlist that reminded me of some of the deepest longings of my heart, I needed to write. Writing has helped to remind me that relationships are not solo work. If they were, I could pour into them until they were all healthy. Since they are not, I am dependent on the other’s willingness to work with me.
And there it is.
That old childhood wound just split open again when I typed that last sentence. The one where a relationship with me was not important enough to work on for either of my parents. How is it that I am in my fifties and can be made to feel like an abandoned eight-year-old when someone fumbles my heart?
Relationships matter. How we handle ourselves in them matters. If someone matters to you, make sure they have no doubt. If they no longer matter to you or something has changed, follow the steps above. Pour into your people. Make having strong relationships important in your workplaces, on your teams, in your churches, in your communities, and your friend groups.
The heart of creation is relational.
We all want our lives to be filled with good, safe relationships. That starts with being a good, safe person to have a relationship with, and I am reminded today that I want to show up in my life every day like that.
I also would not mind finding a long, lasting love like what is represented in Nina Hill’s gorgeous photo below. I have a photo of my great uncle and his girlfriend like this one. I took it when they were in their 80s and 90s respectively. Neither of them ever imagined finding love again after losing their spouses, but they did, and it was one of the most beautiful loves I have ever witnessed. A testament that we can keep learning and growing in relationships, all relationships, for the full breadth and depth of our lives.
How is that for hope?